Thursday, 28 March 2013

A Policeman Calls


http://rochellewisofffields.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/lamps.jpg
Image Rochelle Wisoff-Fields


A Policeman Calls

“Hello?... Ma’am?”
Smuts from the untrimmed lamps drifted upwards like dirty snowflakes, dancing briefly on the yellowed ceiling before falling onto the warped Formica work surface. None of the pots matched, the cups were chipped and faded, except a few old but pristine bone china relics in the glass cupboard - for visitors. The musty clutter in the kitchen had a stale sad smell, like the day before yesterday’s memories. Dated photos, in old but highly polished frames proudly displaying the laughing family, took pride of place beside the collapsed, sagging armchair. The old lady’s body lay next to it.

100 words
@nickjohns999

This story was written for Rochelle Wisoff-Fields' Friday Fictioneers Challenge
Posted by at
Labels: , ,

24 comments:

  1. janet28 March 2013 at 15:46

    Very well done, Nick. Your descriptions, especially in the opening sentence after the policeman's inquiry, were very good and the mix of things past their prime and the hanging on to what's important were spot-on.

    janet

    ReplyDelete
  2. Nick28 March 2013 at 15:51

    Thanks Janet. For some reason, this felt a sad photo to me and put me in mind of scenes that I attended over the years, so I tried to get some of the feeling of how a place can feel as uninhabited as a body sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous28 March 2013 at 21:10

      Yes - it is a gloomy picture, isn't it? And such a sad ending, to die alone, with nobody to hold your hand as you go.

      Delete
    2. Nick28 March 2013 at 21:49

      Yes ariadne, just the feeling that I had in mind when I wrote the tale.

      Delete
  3. Sandra Crook28 March 2013 at 16:08

    That was very evocative - the sense of neglect and loss. Well done.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nick28 March 2013 at 16:48

      Thank you Sandra. Your comments are appreciated as always!

      Delete
  4. Anonymous28 March 2013 at 16:15

    A sad tale but effectively written. Nice imagery.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nick28 March 2013 at 16:51

      Hi Kim
      Thanks for taking time to pop in and to comment. I still can't pin down what about the prompt photo gave me a sad steer for the story, but anyway, there it is - I guess we can't always explain why a story took a particular turn.

      Delete
  5. brudberg28 March 2013 at 17:57

    It reads like a perfect introduction to a crime story.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nick28 March 2013 at 21:46

      Hi Bjorn. Even I'm now wondering how she came to die - despite thinking in terms of natural causes i.e. old age when I wrote the story.

      Delete
  6. Carrie28 March 2013 at 18:24

    Raises some questions...where is the resident of this home and why is the police stopping by :)

    Enjoyed the descriptions, really evoked my senses

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nick28 March 2013 at 21:47

      Thanks Carrie, I'm pleased that it worked for you.

      Delete
  7. Anonymous28 March 2013 at 23:49

    I agree with Bjorn -- this could "look" like a natural death of an elderly lady, but turn out to be something else. Sequel?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nick29 March 2013 at 06:32

      Thanks for your thoughts Jan. I'll have a think about it!

      Delete
  8. Anonymous29 March 2013 at 05:33

    Your descriptions are excellent - especially, "Smuts from the untrimmed lamps drifted upwards like dirty snowflakes, dancing briefly on the yellowed ceiling before falling onto the warped Formica work surface." Hope there will be a continuation of this tale :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nick29 March 2013 at 06:43

      Hi Lyn
      Thank you for commenting, and for giving some specific feedback. I'll see if another scene suggests itself. As before, it may not be from Rochelle's prompt, but from one of my other regular haunts - like Angela Goff's Anonymous Legacy. I have swapped follow ons between these two sites before.

      Delete
  9. EL Appleby29 March 2013 at 13:13

    I love your 'dirty snowflakes' - what a wonderful, descriptive piece.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Rochelle Wisoff-Fields30 March 2013 at 10:48

    "The musty clutter in the kitchen had a stale sad smell, like the day before yesterday’s memories"
    Dear Nick,
    This is my favorite line. Somehow I didn't see it so much as a crime scene as a lonely woman who passed away without anyone's notice. A poignant well told piece.
    Shalom,
    Rochelle

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nick1 April 2013 at 16:09

      Hi Rochelle
      Thanks for your comment, and for hosting. It is interesting that readers seem to be about evenly split between those who see a crime scene and those who see a sad demise.

      Delete
  11. Anonymous1 April 2013 at 15:45

    Vivid descriptions and not a hint of cliche, Nick. This is great stuff - you've absolutely hit the "telling detail" lesson on the head.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nick1 April 2013 at 16:12

      Thank you Jen, I always like to know what other writers' impression is of my pieces.

      Delete
  12. Anonymous1 April 2013 at 16:19

    My previous comment disappeared - please delete one if there's a duplicate! The descriptions in this piece are vivid and absolutely hit the idea of the "telling detail" - not a cliche in sight.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Nick2 April 2013 at 08:19

    Hi Jen
    Thanks for both comments. Don't know why the first one is not visible, I can see it, both from my moderators page and on my mobile. *Puzzled*

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)